Chapter3: Wellington

Thomasina - Akeylah

Thomasina: “Well, KeKe is my only child - Akeylah - y’all call her Akeylah. She’s my only child and she was a pleasant surprise.  I didn’t think I was going to have children. The doctor was like, ‘You’re three months pregnant.’ I was like, ‘For real? Take a blood test, stop playin’.’ And he’s like, ‘I’m going to take the blood test, but no for real. You’re pretty much pregnant.’

Akeylah: “My mom just thought she was gaining weight. She told me that she went to the gym trying to work it off, she just thought she was gaining weight.”

Thomasina: “Yep, yep. And then she came. Her name is Akeylah lmani. It’s Swahili and Arabic. They mean Wisdom and Faith. And I figured that will get her through. In this life people can take things from you and it goes up and down, but if you have wisdom... if you cultivate what’s between your ears and what's in your heart, plus your faith in God? You will get it all back. They’ll strip you of everything, and then you will get it all back. My father told me that. He said, ‘Little girl, in this world you can be stripped of everything, but if you cultivate what’s between your ears you can get it all back. So I figured Wisdom and Faith I can give her. And Wellington is my mother’s people’s name. My name is Thomasina Wellington James.”

Akeylah: “It’s a slave name.”

Thomasina: “Yeah, but it’s ours. We own it. Wellington is my mother’s people, James is my father’s people. I could’ve given her her father’s last name, but I didn't. I could’ve given her my father’s last name, but I didn't. My mother died when I was 15, so I gave her Wisdom and Faith and Wellington because I may never see my mother again, I don't know. I didn't know a lot about the afterlife when I had her. I was only thinking in the present tense of this life. And I thought I would never see my mother again, so I named her Akeylah Imani Wellington.”

Skylar: “Do you feel like your last name is not yours Akeylah?”

Akeylah: “Um. Yes and no. Because I know that it's of slave origin. But it's also a cool name. Wellington is a cool name, like Akeylah is a cool name. Imani is a cool name. My name is no more not my own than anybody else’s. Like you didn’t pick the last name Taylor. You didn’t pick Skylar. But for special circumstances for any number of reasons, my name is not mine, but many people’s names are not theirs.”

Thomasina: “Her name is from the people of the south (South Africa). And later after I accepted Islam as my faith, I discovered it means the same thing in Arabic.”

Skylar: “So talk more about accepting Islam as your faith? When did that happen?”

Thomasina: “I’m going to be transparent. I was an accountant and in 2004, I was working for a client and I got involved in this relationship with my boss. He owned this company but his family really owned the company. And he gave me $60,000. And I said, ‘Thank you baby, byeeee.’ And he said, ‘Whatchu mean bye?’ And I was like, ‘I’m out, I’m going to retire and open a business and raise my kid, and stay home.’ And he was like, ‘No I gave you the money so that you would stay. You gotta stay, you can’t go.’ And I was like, ‘I’m leaving.’ He was like, ‘Give me my money back’, and I was like, ‘No', and so he filed charges and I got in trouble. It was a white collar crime so I didn't have to do any time. I got probation, but then the details of my personal life got twisted and I was involved with people I shouldn't have been involved with and I ended up doing 5 years in prison. And while doing that 5 years, I found God. At first I read the bible from cover to cover. I always believed in God. And I said, ‘God save me from this experience cause I’m separated from my baby, and she’s gotta live with my family. This is not good.’ I was having trouble breathing because, you know, it was just me and her before. Me and Akeylah were separated in 2006, she was eight. She was eight when I accepted islam.  And I was in prison, and I would write to her but we were going through difficulties because I had to go through some counseling to learn how a child must feel when being separated from a parent, you know, with an absentee parent. I had to wrap my brain around that. It was tough counseling sessions for me. I was like, ‘I do not abuse my child.’ And they were like, ‘But you are an absentee parent, and that is abuse. Why aren’t you with your baby? Why didn’t you make decisions that were different so you could stay with your baby?’ And I was like... you right. I can’t argue with that. Absentee parent. You know? So I was a Christian, and in prison I had become a more dedicated Christian. And then I met a woman who was muslim, so I went to her room and I was like, ‘Yo, lemme get one of those Quran’s, yo.’ See, my sister Felicia, she was muslim. And prior to my incarceration I had been trying to take time to read the Quran but I never had the time.  So, now I had nothing but time, you know? So I had read the bible from cover to cover, and she gave me a Quran. When I had got to chapter 5 in the Quran there is a verse- I think it’s 85 or 82. The Quran is written in first person...  It’s gonna make me cry, haha.  It says that when they hear the truth of this message they're gonna say write us down amongst the witnesses cause we believe too and we want to be blessed too because we believe in God. You know? And I read that verse and it clicked for me. This is a natural progression, you know? And I've been Muslim ever since. And that was in 2006, so it’s been a while. I cry every-time I tell this story. But yeah I became muslim and then I met a man who was also muslim when I got out. After a while, he was nagging me to marry him.  He was like, ‘Come marry me, be my wife.’ And I was like, ‘I need to get my baby, get my job, I got things to do. I need to restructure my life.’ He was like, ‘That’s why you should marry me, because I can help you do that.’ And he did. Yeah, it was worth it. I was trying to be a wifey and a mommy and a student and a business woman.  You can’t- you know they say you can have it all- you can’t have it all. You have to choose. We divorced now. Sometimes it doesn't last forever, you know? Yeah, we fell apart. But it was good while it lasted. And he did good by her, she liked him. So it was pretty good.”

Thomasina: “But um, when I got out circumstances conspired and I got married and we were gonna get an SUV, but the budget was tight! So we got a little red rental, and we drove to Georgia and got her from my niece. I had left her with my niece, Kim. And we packed up all of her stuff. She was living in the burbs, just like the way I had left her. And then circumstances conspired and you know the budget was tight so we wound up back in the hood in Shreveport, right. Ha! When she rolled up... she was like, ‘Uhhhh, well imma go for a walk.’ And I was like, ‘No, you can’t go for a walk, no I’ll drive you, where you wanna go?’ ‘No go in the backyard, don’t sit on the front porch.’  

Akeylah: “We watched a mugging.”

Thomasina: “Yeah, I knew it was coming too. I saw it coming like a block away and I was like, ‘They’re getting robbed there.’ I was thinking to myself like, ‘Damn she needa see this shit. She gonna flip.’ And when this had happened with the guy, I saw it from like a block away. I remember thinking that’s wrong there, they are coming to go do him in. And she was like, ‘What are you talking about momma?’ That dude banged him right upside the head.

Akeylah: “Yeah I almost- I threw up a little bit. We pulled up and we were like, ‘Are you okay?’ And he was like, ‘Yes.’ as there’s like blood running out of his- running down his face. So we were like, ‘Okay.’ and then we rolled back up our windows. I cried like it was going to do something.”

Thomasina: “‘Are you okay John?’ I wanted to say like you’ve been fuckin’ with them boys, you need to leave them boys alone. Playing with their money. And then they came and took what was theirs that’s why he didn’t want us to call the police. I told him I won’t call the police.  But she had to see that, you know and I wasn’t raising her for that. I grew up in a neighborhood where all of us were middle class people, all of our parents owned their homes, two cars outside, but you would go five blocks to the right and you be in hood.  Everything happened there. It was like that, you know. I had to start teaching her how to spot the spots. I’m like okay if you see foil in the window... If they come at you like this... But that’s when we moved. He found a house in Broadmoor that was twice too big. But it was close to her school, she was at Magnet, and it’s safe. She could walk free, you know? And then you know life is a bitch, right, because we move to Broadmoor with the white boys doing it all too, right. But things got better and better and we wound up back in the burbs in Broadmoor so you know it was better, it got better. You know? We had love and it was okay.”

Skylar: “So whenever you went and got Akeylah from Georgia, after not seeing her did it take a while for y’all’s relationship?”

Thomasina: “Yeah...”

Akeylah: “It was really tough. I was like 11 or 12. And it was tough because I had been mistreated while my mom was away. The niece that she had left me with was a very violent woman, who would abuse her partners and me. And I had a lot of tendencies towards self-sabotage or like self-harm. I had a persistent anxiety problem and I would scratch at myself and ruin my skin when I was frustrated. Because I didn't know how to deal with parents who weren’t hitting me for discipline. I had a really hard time adjusting to being in a kind situation. I didn't know what it was like to be treated well.”

Thomasina: “She was only six. Five going on six when I got locked up. And a lot of that you don’t remember. You know, she didn't remember a lot of the times that we had.”

Akeylah: “It wasn't even that I didn't remember. It was like I had been conditioned to think that basic dignity wasn't something that I should have. Do you know what I mean? It was like me saying ‘No’ was wrong. Or me having an upset response was wrong. I wasn't allowed to be upset or frustrated. I wasn’t allowed to say that something hurt me. Everytime it felt like I was being gas-lit or punished. I didn't even realize that I really had no idea how normal people were being treated. And like I went to middle school and highschool and got close to people who were from family units that were a lot healthier than my situations were. And then it was like oh like do you mean to say people don't get... We had been in Miami the majority of the time away from my mom. And then a year later before my mom reunited with me we moved- Kim’s family had moved to Georgia and I just had no idea of anything. Like before you came here my mom and I were talking about being gift givers and obviously like my mom was muslim and I was muslim at one point. So, like we never celebrated Christmas and when I was living with Kim I didn’t have any sort of idea of what consideration was for another human being.  Which makes gift-giving something that I don't really understand all that much. And it's not like I am really really bad at it. But it isn’t something I really think about. I mean like I have no idea how to shop for another person and like to remember something they said like 8 months ago to deliver that on their birthday. You know what I mean? We were just talking about that skill. I was like going into high school and I had a lot of fear about um... like not being like a- not having a moral compass. And I was really concerned that I would stray if I didn't make a choice then. And combine that with just the pressure of like, going to mosque. Even though I wasn’t muslim, my parents frequently took me to a day service. So I felt a good like bit of pressure that it would just be easier if I was muslim.”

Thomasina: “You felt pressure?”

Akeylah: “I mean yeah, I think like that was just was what it is. Like there was like nothing y’all could have done. Y’all were doing like what y’all thought was best.”

Thomasina: “We didn't-but like that’s not what we wanted for you... To feel pressure, because that’s the number one rule- There’s no compulsion in religion.”

Akeylah: “I didn't have friends so, I didn't even have a way of exploring something else if I wanted to.” 

Thomasina: “No, you didn’t.”

Akeylah: “You know what I mean? And so I was just around older people that were saying that this is the best thing. I was praying five times a day. And that was a big draw for me, like praying five times a day. And then I came to college and I realized that kindness and what I perceived to be “upstanding and godly” people were everywhere and it didn’t just exist within a mosque. And when I started to look critically at my conviction, I just realized that there are various ways people recognize God. And I know the identity of the God I worship and that’s enough for me. And I still pray very often and morally I'm not like too far off from what a “good Christian” or “good Muslim” or a “good Jew” is like. I would say that I have a heavy leaning towards Christianity or towards Islam or somewhere in between.”

Thomasina: “That’s what you're supposed to do. Like go discover, my baby. Go discover the world, try it out and see if you like it or see if you don’t. You make your own decision cause that’s between you and your creator. And you can’t worry about what other people think. That's what the Quran teaches. There are many paths and Islam is one. He goes by many names. Goes by 99. We know about 99 names. You know- The One, The Almighty, The Cherished, you know like names like that. Attributes and names that people have called God. Those are the only ones we know about, but there are thousands of others. You go down to these remote islands and you look at the structure of the religions of the people and you be like well...”

Akeylah: “It’s all really close.”

Thomasina: “But she didn’t tell me at first like what happened with Kim. And I really thought I was leaving her in a safe place. Because I helped raise Kim and she knew of my ideals and my standards of living. And it’s more than just living in the burbs...she got it twisted.  It’s more than financial trappings. You can be very healthy and you can be like broke and be happy. You know? She got it twisted. And I didn’t know What happened to my baby. And we are all still as a family cause I have a big family. I have six sisters, I make seven.  Five brothers, they are all dead. But she is just very dysfunctional, very violent, very twisted in her mind set. And I didn’t realize that. And I asked Akeylah to forgive me for placing her in that situation, because I didn’t... it was not my intention to put her in an environment like that. She could have went with any one of my other sisters- Carol, Felicia, Stephanie, well not Stephanie but Peggy- and been okay, go to private school. They would have taken care of her better when I was away. And I'm still pissed. We both had to have counseling because I was pissed. I was so angry and I'm still pissed, you know, but not to the point where I can’t control it. Kim’s mom is still trying to wrap her brain around it. Because you know in familial dysfunction people have a tendency to sweep it under the rug and play like it nothing ever happened. In African-American culture, women, we have a problem with beating our children. It stems from the days of slavery and that whole plantation experience. And some women- white, black, or otherwise, have problems trading their children for their affection of men. Or the affection of another woman. But I can’t worry about other people. I gotta worry about me and mine. That’s what I told KeKe.  Excuse my french, but I don’t know any other way to put it, I don’t give a fuck. Until and unless she comes up and says, ‘Baby I'm sorry.’ And gives a full apology, then get out of my face.  Cause that’s my child, that’s another human being and no, what you did is not normal. It’s not right. It’s not good. It’s none of that. I don’t know how you are raising yours, but this is how I am raising mine. This is how I raised mine. She cooked, okay? So, no we aren’t gonna deal her bullshit. It happened and we are doing everything we can to overcome and move on and live a complete, whole, and healthy life. And be open to all that is good and not let other people’s dysfunction and negativity weigh you down. Keep moving.  So, we had to go to counseling. She went, and I had to do a lot of counseling. I had people come to my house every week- twice a week- for counseling. I see a psychiatrist once a month. Because it just... quite frankly it fucked my head up.”

Akeylah: “When I came to college my mom had a manic episode at the end of my freshman year, and it was not easy for anybody involved. It really just hurt a lot. It was really hard to even be around my mom at some point. Because her behavior got really erratic and I felt unsafe. And I felt triggered and it caused me to really distance myself. That’s when I moved out. The next year I was very absent. I was a very absent daughter. I didn’t really want to stay on the phone, and I didn’t really want her to visit me. And the divorce really hurt me as well. That also made me sad. And that kind of went into junior year.”

Thomasina: “And rightfully so.”

Akeylah: “It’s part of the reason I have had this apartment alone, because I just needed my own space to heal. And like I just needed control to be able to introduce people back in- I didn’t just let anybody into my life again.”

Thomasina: “Including me. Yeah. Cause I went through cancer, too, during this time. I had cancer, girl, breast cancer...ooo baby.”

Akeylah: “That fucked you uuuuup.”

Thomasina: “Yesssss Darlin’. That chemo and therapy… I was like this some BULLSHIT Keke! Okay! Nuh uh. It’s been two years that I’ve been in remission. We had a lot going on. My ex-husband he couldn’t understand. He would say, ‘Why won’t she come home???’ And I was like, ‘Cause she dealing with stuff.’ He had no concept of what she was going through, what we were going through as a family, even though he was part of it... He doesn’t come from trauma, you know? His family got their issues but they pretty normal. So he couldn’t fathom what was going on with us. He kept saying, ‘She an ungrateful child?’ I was like, ‘No. She not. She going through something, give her space and let her get her healing.’ One of the therapist at the hospital would take us out for recreation, and I was walking barefoot in the grass because it felt so good and he said, ‘Yeah, Thomasina, it keeps you grounded.’ And I think going through challenges is like that. It keeps you grounded.”

Akeylah: “Yeah. I think it’s given me a greater understanding of people. And how easy it is to get lost from an achor. And feel pain. I think it’s just made me more willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. More willing to take time with someone. Unless they’re an actual idiot. I think it also made me more comfortable living with ambiguity and less likely to feel like everything needs to be black and white. It gave me greater understanding of how important communication is. Honest communication. But healing- it’s just such a gamble. And healing from your suffering is also such a gamble. Because if you do it wrong….”

Thomasina: “You could lose yourself completely.”

Akeylah: “Yeah, you could end up worse off than with what you started with. Or if you heal half-assedly… I mean you could be labeled a good friend, or considered highly functioning, but there might always be something that’s just outside of your reach because you didn’t take the time to fully heal. Or maybe you think you have it all together and think everything is okay. And everything is okay, until you have a trigger. Then you know you’ve only done so much healing, especially if you don’t have the tools or the strength to be able to deal with the obstacle that sends you back to your pain. I just think it’s all a gamble.”

Thomasina: “I think thats where God comes in. I think that’s where faith comes in.”

Akeylah: “I’m just talking about healing within yourself.”

Thomasina: “Yeah, but I don’t think the healing can be achieved without some sense of God.”

Akeylah: “I’m not denying that. Some people say they’ve been through a list of things and they say they’ve made peace in themselves and they’ll be fine for the next 30 years of their lives, until something happens that they’re not equipped to deal with because they thought they were so self sufficient that they didn’t plan for anything out of order. Whereas if you recognize that you’ve had a significant amount of trauma or pain, I think it’s best if you just lay it all out everyday. Instead of trying to have some ego about it. And I tend to agree with you, I think being aware of God helps and is necessary.”

Thomasina: “I remember when we came home from the hospital, she was so little. I wanted a big baby you know? And I said, ‘She's so little...  She’ll need me forever because she can’t do nothing by herself!’  But now look- HA! Then she surprises me even further. Look, a whole artist. And she writes poetry. I didn’t know what she would be. Her step father and I thought- doctor, lawyer, because her grades were so good, you know? But then I thought she would be a scientist or something and she did very well in math. But she used the math skills to make soap. And then she’d look at a thing, and draw it. I said, ‘What do you like. What do you like to do?’ And she said, ‘I like art.’ So here we are.”

Akeylah: “I thought I was going to school for graphic design. I came to Tech and got enrolled in the graphic design program and I took the first couple of foundation classes. But I didn't take any graphic studio courses because I couldn't afford the laptop at the time. It delayed me taking those classes, so in the meantime I just took studio art courses. Once I figured out that that was actually what I cared about I changed majors. And then I told my mom by the end of freshman year- ‘Mom I think I'm going to go to grad school.’ We had a lot of healing towards the end of my junior year, though. We were talking a little bit more and I was calling her again with news over the summer. I think we really bonded mostly over just strategizing how the next couple years of my life will look. That’s where we are right now, trying to grow back together.” 

Thomasina: “It is not easy for a young woman in this life alone. And things can happen just like that and change your whole life. So you have to be careful. When you move to whatever state you going to next you might want to think about that, because everywhere ain’t like Ruston. This is Ruston, it’s a safe environment small town, but if you go to Ohio, or Seattle? Those are big cities, Ma! Ann Arbor is nice, though.”

Akeylah: “I got an interview with Ohio state, it happened this Wednesday. Ohio has one of the best sculpture programs so I applied not really thinking that they would take me seriously but then I got a call a couple days after. I was just surprised to even get a call, so it’s made me hopeful about other people taking me seriously too.”