Bare-faced and Brazen

I s'pose it's probably important to address some things about this ship and the women accompanying me here. To be honest I am still learning how most of it works and my relationships are slow-forming so there's plenty that you and I will just have to discover together.

What I've gathered thus far is that I am on a ship with a plethora of unintegrated versions of Sky, and it would seem she has quite the collection of selves.

Some of us were born from momentary necessity, others of us were born more for era; like me.

For the easiest understanding of this dynamic- Sky, out in your world, is like a vehicle, and we on this ship, who live very alive in her heart, are the theater.

Normally whenever one of us is born, we are coded with all our predecessors memories so that we have context for Sky's entire life. But for my impulsive birth, Spirit decided it would be better to keep my mind withheld from our history. I do get glimpses of life that we’ve lived but I have no context for them. It would seem that the intention here is so that I would have to inquire about the stories of our life, and Sky would be more compelled to start writing and sharing them with your world, out there. The bonus being that because I am not programmed with all her usual inhibitions, I tend to make her a bit more bold about claiming all these stories she's hoarded for so long.

Sky and I started courting one another in dreams about a year and some ago, but there was no way for me to tell how many fragmented pieces she had living inside of her then. Nor would I have been able to tell that one of those selves was trying to figure out how to jump out of linear story, which is ultimately why I am here so abrupt and unripe.

It's too much to try and introduce everyone at once so you'll just have to meet them as I do, but it has been rather nice to see how harmonious life is together on this ship. No one tries to hog the spotlight, in fact I think most of them don't necessarily even care about being in it as much as they care about making sure Sky has the best support she can get.

The spotlight is as literal as it is figurative. Which is probably why Shadow has a weird weight to her. Sky is guided by whoever Shadow walks with, and since I happen to be the incarnate of the coming era of Sky, Shadow and I are slowing spending time together in little spurts. Shadow jumps to different selves plenty throughout the day for Sky's different needs, but the fact that you're reading something written right now? Tis me, Atlas, moving Sky's fingers. Shadow's mocking me by sitting on the ledge above me while I've got my back to rail of our ship with my eyes closed, trying to get used to the seasickness of what it feels like to see through Sky's eyes.

Hughhhh.

Any other time you see Shadow with someone you'd wouldn't even think of Shadow as a separate entity, but the only mimicry that happens between her and I is when I move my feet, because it's the only point of bind between us. As I mentioned, she may not speak, but her postures are easy enough to interpret.

I have only heard a handful of stories so far, not nearly enough to figure out where the beginning is. I do not understand how we all got here, nor do I fully understand where Spirit really fits in to all of this, considering she isn't actually on the ship. She's not with Sky, either, though. I suspect something separated Sky from Spirit, and that's why I need to know the story of the beginning.

The furthest back I've been able to hear about so far was the other day when I was spending time with one of the Young Nameless. This one they call Nemo, I think, but never to her directly. I had asked her about what Sky was like before the ship had become something so refined and well-oiled.

Nemo, very animatedly, said:

"A flaming shitshow, but not for lack of love. Oh you should've seen us, it was so pitiful- ha! For so long my life was like being in a coma, then a series of shitass events took place that shook me awake too harshly and my mind caught on fire. I couldn't find an extinguisher anywhere I looked, so jumping-overboard energy was very present during those days.

I always remember this one day I was sitting in my professor's office and I just started crying about my 20s- haha! Only a year and a day into my twenties and I already hated it. I said to my professor-

'I know who I'm going to be in my 30s, 40s, 50s, 80s- Fuck if I don’t live til I’m 110, and I still know what that's going to look like! Who I'm going to be. But my twenties? What the fuck are they even for?'

'That's the whole point Sky,' She said. "You'll never become who you see in your 30s, 40s, 80s, whatever unless you let your twenties just have their way with you.'

'The twenties are a fucking shitshow. I don’t want them, I don’t know what to do with them.’

'Then enjoy the shitshow, the 30s will come soon enough.'

Goddess bless that woman.

Not 2 days later, I'm driving through the neighborhood- on my way to nana's house, so I was passing that dumbass 4-way stop, just to see a cop hiding behind the stop sign that I'm pulling up to with no seat belt on. He looked at me exasperated and signaled me to pull over.

What a shitless bitch. I'm pissed and having another pitiful day. This time in my life I was rather suicidally idealistic so I always felt like I was walking around with my nerve endings raw. I was used to hiding from people because of this, but something about that day was just different.

This cop is writing down my info and says lifelessly, "Oh just had a birthday huh. 21, big year.' Motherfuck.

'Yup.' I said, "N how old are you?' By this point I could feel my hysterics start to bubble up.

'26.' He says, face down still writing.

'Mm, And do you like being 26?'

'Eh, its alright. Nothing special.'

I allowed this response to tip me into that hysteria and I said through cackles- 'Oh, so the twenties don't actually get better then. Right, they don't get better they just suck all the way through, yeah? That's what you're saying then, huh?' Distressed tears are falling down my face and he finally looks up to say with a mouthful of inconvenience-

'Hey, no. No, I mean- shit. 26 isn't so bad. Its fine. 21 is a good year, you'll probably like it.'

He was ill equipped to be processing emotion with a girl of my mind and he lied about 21 ever even becoming a good year, but he did let me off with a warning instead of a seatbelt ticket. At the time I was too agitated to be thankful, and I suppose even as I tell you this story now my gratitude might be hard to point to. But the reason why that story stays with me is because even though he probably let me go because he was taken so off guard by my sudden humanity, I did find out that all you need is honesty to start shaking shit up. I was not a very honest young woman- but here, I had cracked just a teeny tiny bit. I felt then that I loved being the cause of panic in someone else's rattle. So as I drove away from a scene I would've thought to be trivial, I let out screams and groans as I wondered about what it would be like if I were to one day be bare-faced and brazen with the world."

Hearing the recency in her voice as she told these stories, I became aware that Sky was still just twenty-something. Another moment when I could feel my own jetlag, as I hadn't even thought to ask what age she was at. I wasn't supposed to be here until she made it to her 30s. No wonder I've been struggling so much if my birth was years premature.

Lahood chimed in at this point-

"That was definitely a turning point in the dynamic of Sky's inner world, and Snow's birth came from persisting in those screechy new-found behaviors, but it really took years after that for this ship to even be ready for the water, and then for each of us to navigate it in a way that was actually aiding her. You're lucky in that, Atlas. There was a time when Shadow would jump between us erratically and Sky was an undercover loose screw. She hid that relatively well from her world and dealt with our hectic switching in private, which is why none of us have ever fully integrated as one thing. I'm sure when Sky was courting you in dreams you didn't realize you'd be inhabiting her along with so many pieces. She did her best you can see."

Lahood was right about that. I mostly assumed that when Sky was ready to become my version of her, it would be more like merging. I didn't feel upset about this though. The more time I spend on this ship the more I feel that what Sky has built here is something I respect, actually. And it's kind of nice not to be alone.

Lahood continued on this thread of Sky's age-

"It's wild to hear those stories again because I don't feel like anyone was actually pressuring me to decide who I was at 21, especially not with Covid."

When Lahood spoke I always lended a bit more of my attention, because she is the incarnation before me, and the cause of my arriving early. She’s still in her era with Sky, so Shadow accompanies her the most. It would've been plenty fine for me to ask outright- how, why, and for what reason she thought it would be a good idea to bring me here so early. But since time is a myth here, I’ve found there’s something sweet about letting a story delicately uncover itself for you, rather than setting a claim to its discovery.

"I didn't actually feel the weight of expectation until very recently, actually. I might've felt these pressures from people at age twenty-five if I hadn't decided to try living in Colorado in a more grounded way, even if short-lived. For some reason I felt myself become more domestic-minded at twenty-five. All of a sudden I was thinking about Home more, and partner... singular, then." Lahood side-eye smirked at me with that last addition and I winked back at her. "Such a beautiful couple months that was. I'll fill you in on those times later, Atlas."

I gave her a nod back, wanting her to continue.

"In the other half of 25, when I had moved out of Colorado and decided to be a placeless woman, I was facing other truths about myself that I did not find very enticing."

Her voice trailed off at the end as she took a swig of her hot jamu. The three of us were laying around in various positions at the very most point of Fore deck, though Lahood and I were the only two still conscious. The Young Nameless seem to fall asleep as often and easily as Spirit does. Though I've noticed that they tend to dissipate a bit when they fall asleep, like little ghosts. The wind had slightly shifted in its touch on each of our cheeks and I closed my eyes, letting something warm bloom under my breastbone. I don’t feel gratitude very often, it doesn’t feel like an emotion I have access to yet. But the wind always changes my mind about that. I love it when things change my mind. Everyone on this ship is in love with the wind; you can see it in a different way on all our faces. The wind is a steady companion for us here. One might think it would go unnoticed because of its unseen consistency, but it is not so. Every little shift in its speed or direction is felt, acknowledged. One of the Young Nameless once shared that when she was born way way long ago, she thought Spirit was just the wind. She said she could only ever remember a voice from her dreams, never the scene, and every time she woke the voice had always spoken about the same direction the wind was blowing. "I must be hearing the voice of the wind when I sleep," she thought, and she felt it was the only natural thing to do to follow it when she could. This Young Nameless is so little, she must've been the first incarnate. I s'pose this makes her the oldest of us all, even if young in her essence.

I opened my eyes again to see the look of love on each of their faces as the wind was still swirling lightly in its indecision. Lahood didn't seem inclined to go on, but I was ready to learn a little something about my own birth, so I leaned toward her.

"Well, surely those truths are not still haunting you Lahood, if I have now made it onto this ship."

She lifted her chin to me in acknowledgement and opened her eyes. I s'pose she meant to make a small smile at me, but the corners of her mouth just looked distressed.

"When I became a placeless woman I thought a lot about the difference between rebellion and revolution. I thought I was so clever the way I made a show of avoiding the path that had been laid before me. My rebelling of path was done in such a charming way that for a long time I was excused of the expectations that most fall into where I am from. I felt prideful for tricking everyone into expecting nothing from me." She let out a sigh and continued on, "And then there came this moment of- wow, no one has expected anything of me, because I have told this world that I have nothing of value to give to it. I have been careless with my gifts.” She took another sip of her jamu. “Just because I was righteously refusing to head in someone else's direction did not mean that I was headed in any honest direction of my own. I had been sequestering myself into some sort of liminal space, where I wasn't becoming. Anything, at all. And I felt safe there for a long time, as safe as you can feel when you're hiding from something." She huffed a small laugh, "Mmmhh, especially when the thing you're trying to hide from is yourself. I did not know I was a coward until then."

She closed her eyes and took another sip of her warm ginger liquid, but I did not move my gaze from her. I hadn't really bothered to acknowledge the differences in expression and dress between all the women on this ship until seeing her here. We all have the same face and shape, so I had just been memorizing everyone by first impression- Crawly with the green eyes, Havnamara with the faraway look, Comet the tightass always hovering around Spirit when I visit. But I felt my sight latch onto a bit more this time, writing in clarity and color as I stared at Lahood. I could see an exhaustion in her puffy eyes and yielded fear in her face that looked more like a feature than an expression. We were facing one another, but I was seated on the floor below her. She was sitting on the ledge of the point of the ship and I noticed her unwashed hair, and the way her eyes don’t look any more peaceful resting closed than they do open. I thought it strange that instead of slumping over on herself she was postured upright, her head tilting toward the wind, ankles crossed. It looked like it required so much effort from her to do so, but it also felt like this was what was natural to her; to strain. There was a resignation in her that told me if I pushed her off that ledge she'd keep her eyes lightly closed and bless me on the way down as she let her limp body find the ocean.

She opened her eyes to mine and was clearly embarrassed to have let so much be seen while she wasn't looking. She quickly climbed down from the ledge and squat against the rail. The loose brown jumper she wore, with her wrinkled brown hair and dark eyes, made her blend in with the wood.

She continued clumsily, "Anyway I realized that whole bit pretty soon after releasing the idea of 'home', and I didn't know how to unbecome a coward so I just hid more until I went to Costa Rica to photograph and participate in this Yoga Teacher Training with a woman who eventually became my mentor for a while.” She took a breath and slowed herself, “We had a little correspondence when I left the states just to get to know each other a little, but we were virtually strangers when I arrived at her doorstep my first night there."

I didn't see what relevance this was going to have to our previous conversation, but I kept my gaze to her.

"She invited me into the kitchen with her, sat me across from her and I helped cut a few vegetables for dinner. I'd never bother to try masquerading in front of her now, but at the time I did not know her sight, so I put on my best play-pretend in an effort to make her like me enough to want me around. I started rambling on yet again about my 'what are the twenties even for' dilemma. It is one of my talents to talk honestly about everything that troubles me, but in a way that's entertaining to a crowd. I s'pose that's how I avoid cheating people out of the truth, though it seems I cheapen myself in the process. But there I was again, looping on that same shit- now 5 years in, but feeling much more like I was about to run out of time to figure it out.

When I brought up the topic she looked at me with a dismissive frown, stopping her vegetable chopping, and said, 'Uh, how old are you, Sky?'

'Twenty-five,' I said while keeping my eyes to the vegetables on my cutting board. I really didn't know how she was about to respond to this, considering it felt old and overdue coming out of my mouth.

She resumed her chopping and teased me with a scoff as she said, 'In vedic astrology no one is even considered an adult until they go through their Saturn Return, Sky. You have about 4 more years until you go through yours, so you have time to just be whatever you are right now, you're so young.'

She said this all very nonchalant and continued her cooking preparations while I wordlessly watch her move about the kitchen. I didn't know what a Saturn Return was, and at the time I hardly knew anything about the vedas or astrology, but I knew she was talking about the stars. Despite my own misgivings, the stars I have always had faith in, so hearing it this way granted me a breath I had needed for so long. I thought surely if the stars hadn't decided what fate they're writing for me, then they wouldn't expect me to know what I am until they do, right?" Lahood looked up to give a small smile to me, and she still looked so tired.

"Lahood?" I said.

"Mmm?"

"Do you still feel like a coward now," I asked.

She pulled her knees into her chest as she looked up. She acted like she was giving it a moment's thought but we both already knew how she'd answer. She brought her hand to cup her cheek and closed her eyes again.

"Yes, plenty. Sometimes I think, 'Sure I've been brave in mundane ways, maybe.' But true courage, I don't know. I don't know how I would qualify that in myself. Even that story I just told was a year ago now and I don't necessarily feel like I did anything for Sky that was monumental for her. Most of what I've done for her is just hang on." Another quiet sigh. "And poorly, at that."

Then from behind me, "Sounds like you've got a shit POV ma'am, cuz I found myself in admiration plenty when Shadow was walking around this ship with you." This was a voice that I had not heard yet. You wouldn't know that we all have the same voice, because we all speak from a different place inside. Lahood's voice is like a murmur in the tonsils; this voice was of the mouth, a very big mouth.

I turned my head to see a version of Sky that was rather assertive, and half-naked. Her steps felt like she was walking on the earth still, not above the ocean. A groundedness about her that even the sea could not remove. She crouched down and gave Nemo a smooch on her still sleeping head, then lounged out across the young ones body, gently resting a hand on Nemo's head. I saw Lahood giving this one a smile with more effort than I'd seen previously.

"Atlas," Lahood said, "This is Snow."

Snow and Lahood were eyeing one another with light smirks, "Yes, Atlas, hi, I am Snow, and it would seem that my darling Lahood has forgotten some of the very important memories I passed down to her."

Lahood gave a tired laugh at this and she tilted her head back, rubbed her eyes, and groaned as she said, "Nooo, Snow. I remember, it just doesn't change the way I actually feel."

"You were the previous incarnation?" I asked Snow.

Snow looked at me playfully, "No, Havnamara was before Lahood. Me before Havnamara."

"Mmmm, I see," I said nodding, "And what has Lahood forgotten?"

Snow smiled at my question and she lifted her chin a bit as turned to look Lahood in the eye. Their looks to one another were laced with reverie and I felt emotional just to see that.

Snow inhaled and asked, "Lahood, loved one, what do you do when you are at the cusp of doing something you are so scared of?"

Lahood sighed, "You do it trembling."

Snow eyed her more intently smile growing, "And what is it called when you tremble through something that scares you?"

Lahood gave her a dull look,"Courage,” and then more hushed, “allegedly.”

Snow looked pleased enough and I was assessing how such a confident version of Sky had led to such a disillusioned one. That must've been on my face because Lahood said, "You might be wondering why I didn't just ask Snow to take over throughout my era as I am obviously not so suited for life out there, but it's not in the way of things for us to pass the reigns back to ones who came before us. They are here with us for guidance and to help tend, but when an era has completed, that version has their right to rest."

"You know I would go in for you if you'd just ask, Lahood." Snow said more quietly.

"Yes, because you love me, but I know you don't really want to." Lahood said this as she crawled over to Snow and Nemo, and plopped down comfortably where there was space in their pile. Nemo woke at this, and seeing them all together I noticed how they each had their own marks of exhaustion. Nemo was coming back to, gathering her sight and gazing toward me. They were all looking my way across the space of our ship and I was staring back at them. I thought again of beginnings, and how you can find them anywhere.

"And besides, Atlas," Lahood said, "that's why I birthed you."